Honesty is a funny thing when you think about it. We value honesty, and at the same time the truth can hurt. We can dish it, but can we take it?
This is a thought I've been pondering a lot lately...especially relationally (hello, eclipse in libra energy).
Because if I’m being honest, I care a lot about being understood. And I don't always feel understood by some of the "closet" people in my life.
And if I’m being honest, if someone is hell bent on not understanding me because it’s always about them, how can there be a healthy dynamic anyway?
But that’s less about them and more about me. Because if I’m being honest, most likely I subconsciously think I deserve to be misunderstood, or haven’t found the acceptance within to set the boundaries I need, or to walk away.
I’ve grappled with this divide between sharing the truth, my truth, with people in my life because of how it’s been received in the past.
It’s welcomed by some, rejected by most. And the rejection of it usually includes a layer of “actually you’re the problem, not me.”
And sometimes I am the problem. Sometimes I also have work to do, shit to address, my own mirror to look into.
For me, being honest with others can be challenging, especially when it could ruffle feathers. When the truth (my truth) might hurt.
And sometimes being honest with yourself is even harder.
When I get honest with myself and lift the veil, reveal the shadows, the pain, the hurts, the emotions, the patterns…I also reject it.
It’s hard to hold ourselves accountable. It’s so much easier to stay above the darkness and live in the clouds…up in our ivory towers.
“Who? Me? No no no, that can’t be."
If I’m being honest, I feel pretty shitty in some relationships in my life, and it's being highlighted for me right now. There's that Libra eclipse, again. And I wonder why. Why I allow it. Why I try. Why I stay. Why I take the low-key manipulative unaware behavior, and somehow come out feeling like I've done something wrong.
This one is mine to figure out.
Yet I still am unsure on how to proceed. Because one of the biggest truths I'm still learning, is that we can only control ourselves. We can only give ourselves what we desire from others. And no one will ever accept me, understand me or care to be in a reciprocal relationship with me of any kind if I’m not able to give myself the acceptance first.
Speaking up even if it’s rejected, is okay. Setting boundaries with myself and in my relationships, is necessary. Doing that is hard. Asserting myself is an act of self trust. Not in order to get someone to understand me, but because I need to do it for me.
Your truth will set you free.
Because if I’m being honest, I am deserving - we all are.
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