I am at a point in my own healing, or awakening or "whatever you want to call it" journey where I tip toe in between my old life/self, my old identity, my old ways of being and ways of thinking and my new life/self, my present, centered, intuitive, healing, authentic self.
I go back and forth often, and am pretty aware now, of what I am doing when I’m being an older, outdated version vs. the newer version of me...
I also notice I’m still resistant to fully step into this new life. Toeing the line. Knowing I do, or act, or think in certain ways because it’s comfortable and on the familiar path.
The familiar path feels safe. The thing about safety is that we can cling to "safe" even if it keeps us stuck, sick, anxious, burned out, sad, lonely, scared...and the list goes on.
An enlightening and interesting part to this "in between" is the conversations that are had between these two versions of me. One wants to stay the same and one wants to evolve.
What I am learning is there is room for both because they are both me.
The updated, more aware version of Emily is more patient and understanding and takes that older version in her arms and says…
I’ve got you.
We are safe.
I love you.
Take your time.
I’m here for you.
Things haven’t always been easy.
I see you.
I hear you.
I’m not going anywhere.
We will walk this new path together.
The old version feels like I make excuses for myself…the new version says you can’t do it all. The older version tells me I’m not worthy of taking up space…the new one pushes me on stage. The older version yearns to be seen and truly heard but feels like no one gets her…the newer version gets her, sees her, hears her.
The old version is worried about what others think…the new version knows that the only opinion that matters is her own. The older version wants everyone else to like and accept her…the newer version is learning to like and accept herself. The older version is anxious, feels unwell, and worried all the time…the newer version is healing.
The older version wants to hold on tight to what is comfortable…the newer version wants to let go. The older version carries trauma and pain from childhood…the newer one comforts her in that. The older version is afraid to speak up…the newer version wants to change the world. The old version thinks she can’t…the new version knows she can.
The older version holds everything in…the newer version expresses her feelings. The old version compares herself to others often…the new version works on loving herself. The older version puts her needs last…the newer version doesn't. The old version looks to others to help and heal her…the new version knows she can heal herself.
The older version finds her worth in others…the newer version knows her worth has always been there.
The older version doesn’t know how special she is…the newer version reminds her daily.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. It happens over a lifetime. So, when I toe the line between these two versions, it makes sense…they are so different, yet they are the same.
What I am learning and giving compassion to is that it is okay to toe the line. The older version of me has an all or nothing mentality and the newer version reminds her that perfection is not attainable.
It is okay to slowly shift and evolve into who you have always been, clearing layers and years of clouds and cobwebs. Aligning your life to your truest self.
With each cloud that clears, the sky gets brighter and bigger...
and I return to home…to me.